Witty and Sarcastic Quotes for Today

Witty and Sarcastic Quotes for Today

Don’t mistake my efficiency as meaning I want to do your job, too.


  1. I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.

  2. Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

  3. The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby. Natalie Wood

  4. When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like ‘East.’

  5. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

  6. Don’t mistake my efficiency as meaning I want to do your job, too.

  7. The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. George Carlin

  8. Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry. Jerry Seinfeld

  9. If you must make a noise, make it quietly. Oliver Hardy

  10. I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.

  11. Instead of ‘single’ as a marital status they should have ‘independently owned and operated.’

  12. No one likes change but babies in diapers. Barbara Johnson

  13. The satirist who writes nothing but satire should write but little – or it will seem that his satire springs rather from his own caustic nature than from the sins of the world in which he lives. Anthony Trollope

  14. You couldn’t handle me even if I came with instructions.

  15. Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children. Sam Levenson

  16. It seems like there’s a lot of people who just do not understand satire. They think it’s weird. There’s people who just don’t understand you portray something or just explore a character, it means you’re condoning it, saying this is the way to live. Mike Judge

  17. Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner. Douglas Adams

  18. I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house. Anthony Anderson

  19. Some people really suck. Avoid them.

  20. Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. Phyllis Diller

  21. No, no, no. I’m not insulting you. I’m just describing you.

  22. Though folly, robed in purple, shines, Though vice exhausts Peruvian mines, Yet shall they tremble and turn pale When satire wields her mighty flail. Charles Churchill

  23. Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. Mark Twain

  24. Let life be short: else shame will be too long. William Shakespeare

  25. No, you don’t have to repeat yourself. I was ignoring you the first time.

  26. It's an easy tool this world- just pretend like you know everything.

  27. Lots of people in my own family were crazy, so I felt a special closeness with them and wanted to learn how to help them. Edward M. Hallowell

  28. Marriage is a romance in which the heroine dies in the first chapter. Cecilia Egan

  29. Popular culture bombards us with examples of animals being humanized for all sorts of purposes, ranging from education to entertainment to satire to propaganda. Walt Disney, for example, made us forget that Mickey is a mouse, and Donald a duck. George Orwell laid a cover of human societal ills over a population of livestock. Frans de Waal

  30. Tuesday is Monday’s ugly sister.

  31. Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? Groucho Marx

  32. If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you. Billy Wilder

  33. You can't debate satire. Michael Moore

  34. In general satire, every man perceives A slight attack, yet neither fears nor grieves. George Crabbe

  35. Sometimes, my family becomes the strangest family on Earth.    

  36. There are times here my greatest achievement is keeping my mouth shut.

  37. If karma doesn’t hit you, I gladly will.

  38. When dunces are satiric, I take it for a panegyric. Jonathan Swift

  39. Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. Margaret Mead

  40. I don’t believe in plastic surgery but in your case, go ahead.