Top 47 Most Funny Thoughts You Would Love

Top 47 Most Funny Thoughts You Would Love

All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.


  1. I am only human, although I regret it. Mark Twain

  2. There is one word that describes people that don't like me: Irrelevant.

  3. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. Steve Martin

  4. All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening. Alexander Woollcott

  5. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too. Rodney Dangerfield

  6. Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know. Daniel J. Boorstin

  7. I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. Les Dawson

  8. She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation. Jean Webster

  9. I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later. Mitch Hedberg

  10. You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there. George Burns

  11. Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they’re the ones who can sign you into a home. Dennis Miller

  12. What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left. Oscar Levant

  13. My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more. Walter Mathau

  14. You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there. George Burns

  15. It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours. Ronald Reagan

  16. He knows nothing; he thinks he knows everything – that clearly points to a political career. George Bernard Shaw

  17. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam. George Carlin

  18. If we’re going to pay this much for crab, it better sing and dance and introduce us to the Little Mermaid. Claire Foster (Date Night)

  19. I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. Charles Lamb

  20. Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination. Oscar Wilde

  21. I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken. H. Kyle Seale

  22. This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo. Bill Maher

  23. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. Bryan White

  24. Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. Francois de La Rochefoucauld

  25. I’m not good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? Chandler (Friends)

  26. People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. Isaac Asimov

  27. Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’? Jay Leno

  28. The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. Henny Youngman

  29. Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts. Lt. Frank Drebin

  30. The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom. Jon Stewart

  31. Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most. Addison H. Hallock

  32. It’s only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames. Harry Hill

  33. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right. Ashleigh Brilliant

  34. There is no such thing as fun for the whole family. Jerry Seinfeld

  35. By the time someone says, ‘To make a long story short,’ it’s too late. Don Herold

  36. There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it. Mindy Kaling

  37. I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly. Peter Cook

  38. Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. Steven Wright

  39. I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock. Henny Youngman

  40. If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age. George Burns

  41. Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself. Rita Mae Brown

  42. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. Lana Turner

  43. A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain. Graham Norton

  44. Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. Mark Twain

  45. There are only three ages for women in Hollywood: babe, district attorney and Driving Miss Daisy. Elise (The First Wives Club)

  46. If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better. Gilbert Gottfried

  47. A man doesn’t know what he knows until he knows what he doesn’t know. Laurence J. Peter