Refreshingly Funny Quotes To Make You Day

Refreshingly Funny Quotes To Make You Day

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

  1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is. Ellen DeGeneres

  2. High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead. Christopher Morley

  3. I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending. Jack Whitehall

  4. One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory. Rita Mae Brown

  5. If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised. Clark Griswold (National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation)

  6. Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names. John F. Kennedy

  7. Laugh a lot. It burns a lot of calories. Jessica Simpson

  8. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving faster than you is a maniac, and anyone going slower than you is a moron? George Carlin

  9. My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg

  10. Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment. Robert Benchley

  11. We are all here on earth to help others. What on earth the others are here for I don’t know. W. H. Auden

  12. When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. Rodney Dangerfield

  13. Keep your temper. Nobody else wants it. Dearborn Independent

  14. Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children. Sam Levenson

  15. Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

  16. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true. James Branch Cabell

  17. The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward. John Maynard Keynes

  18. Sports are the reason I am out of shape. I watch them all on TV. Thomas Sowell

  19. It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate. Dave Barry

  20. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. Winston Churchill

  21. A camel is a horse designed by a committee. Sir Alec Issigonis

  22. Woke up today. It was terrible. Grumpy Cat

  23. Being a mom means never buying the right amount of produce. Either everyone suddenly loves grapes and a week’s worth are eaten in one afternoon, or fruit flies are congregating around my rotting bananas. Lessons from the Minivan

  24. In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person’s yard. Demetri Martin

  25. Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair. Sam Ewing

  26. If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions? Scott Adams

  27. True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country. Kurt Vonnegut

  28. When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway. Erma Bombeck

  29. Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway. Greg Tamblyn

  30. My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look. Halley Reed (Crimes and Misdemeanors)

  31. Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. Dale Carnegie

  32. Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female. Desmond Morris

  33. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. Emo Philips

  34. He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know. Abraham Lincoln

  35. My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists. Jean Rostand

  36. I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Steven Wright

  37. If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out. Lawrence Ferlinghetti

  38. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. Noel Coward

  39. The simple act of opening a bottle of wine has brought more happiness to the human race than all the collective governments in the history of the earth. Jim Harrison

  40. I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom. Bob Hope