- Zombies eat brains, you are safe. John Stewart
- Having a two-year-old is like having a blender that you don't have the top for. Jerry Seinfeld
- A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and gets to bed at night, and in between, he does what he wants to do. Bob Dylan
- It is hard for power to enjoy or incorporate humor and satire in its system of control. Dario Fo
- Sometimes the amount of self-control it takes to not say what’s on my mind is so immense, I need a nap afterward.
- All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Erma Bombeck
- Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things. George Carlin
- If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single. Once you’re married you can’t even change the TV Channel.
- Praise undeserved, is satire in disguise. Alexander Pope
- I found freedom. Losing all hope was freedom.
- If you find me offensive. Then I suggest you quit finding me.
- I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. Emo Philips
- Satire is dependent on strong beliefs, and on strong beliefs wounded. Anita Brookner
- My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues.
- If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb up your ego and jump to your IQ.
- You can’t really be strong until you see a funny side to things. Ken Kesey
- I’ve birthed an entire baby in less time than it takes my husband to poop.
- Satires and lampoons on particular people circulate more by giving copies in confidence to the friends of the parties, than by printing them. Richard Brinsley Sheridan
- It is never too late to be what you might have been. George Eliot
- Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal. Albert Camus
- Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you’ll find a brain back there.
- There is more than one kind of freedom... Freedom to and freedom from. Margaret Attwood
- Please submit your ideas to me today so I can submit them as my own tomorrow.
- The whiskey tastes like I’m about to tell you how I really feel.
- Please cancel my subscription to your issues.
- People are prisoners of their phone… that’s why it’s called a cell phone. Invajy
- I have not failed. I’ve just found , ways that won’t work. Thomas A. Edison
- New Year's Resolution: Casual promises that I am under no legal obligation to fulfill.
- When asked, 'Why do you always wear black?', he said, 'I am mourning for my life.' Anton Chekhov
- Being an adult is looking both ways before you cross the street and getting hit by an airplane.
- People need to start appreciating the effort I put in to not be a serial killer.
- Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or -wife, your ex's new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate's ex, and any new mate that your new mate's ex has acquired. Delia Ephron
- One man’s pointlessness is another’s barbed satire. Franklin P. Adams
- Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new. Albert Einstein
- If you must make a noise, make it quietly. Oliver Hardy
- Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can't.
- If satire is to be effective, the audience must be aware of the thing satirized. Gore Vidal
- The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out his nose. Garrison Keillor
- My uncle's dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair. Rodney Dangerfield
- Most satirists are indeed a public scourge; Their mildest physic is a farrier’s purge; Their acrid temper turns, as soon as stirr’d, The milk of their good purpose all to curd. Their zeal begotten, as their works rehearse, By lean despair upon an empty purse. William Cowper
Most Funny Quotes To Make You Laugh Out Loud
Having a two-year-old is like having a blender that you don't have the top for.
