Most Funny Quotes To Lighten Up Your Mood

Most Funny Quotes To Lighten Up Your Mood

A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.

  1. If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them. Phil Pastoret

  2. I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives. Ralph Waldo Emerson

  3. If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to. Dorothy Parker

  4. Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. Mark Twain 

  5. I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife)… but still my own. Si Robertson

  6. If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done? George Carlin

  7. The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. G.K. Chesterton

  8. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. George Burns

  9. Trying is the first step toward failure. Homer Simpson, The Simpsons

  10. I’m one of the few people in Hollywood who actually had a good childhood. Seth MacFarlane

  11. If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one. Andrew A. Rooney

  12. My theory is that all Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. Mike Myers

  13. Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well. Mark Twain

  14. Thankfully, perseverance is a great substitute for talent. Steve Martin

  15. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin

  16. Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it. Charles Dudley Warner

  17. Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It’s cheaper. Quentin Crisp

  18. Sickos don’t scare me. At least they’re committed. Michelle Pfeiffer, Batman Returns

  19. Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal. Albert Camus

  20. Marriage is like an unfunny, tense version of Everybody Loves Raymond, but it doesn’t last 22 minutes. It lasts forever. Pete (Knocked Up)

  21. The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. Demetri Martin

  22. My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana. Rose (Betty White)

  23. Friends are God’s way of apologizing to us for our families.

  24. A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists. Don Marquis

  25. Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain—and most do. Dale Carnegie

  26. I wouldn’t camp out for five days if were... camping. Ron White

  27. Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers. Matt Groening

  28. People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. Joan Rivers

  29. There’s nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can’t prolong. Surgeon (Monty Python’s Flying Circus)

  30. I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. Rodney Dangerfield

  31. A fool and his money never should have got together in the first place. Michael Douglas, Wall Street

  32. Men are like shoes. Some fit better than others. And sometimes you go out shopping and there’s nothing you like. And then, as luck would have it, the next week you find two that are perfect, but you don’t have the money to buy both. Janet Evanovich

  33. Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house. Rod Stewart

  34. Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible. Doug Larson

  35. If you think you have it tough, read history books. Bill Maher

  36. As you get older three things to happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two. Norm Crosby

  37. When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic. Jane Wagner

  38. A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on. Samuel Goldwyn

  39. When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life. Richard Lewis

  40. Once you give up integrity, the rest is a piece of cake. J.R. Ewing, Dallas