- I need to teach my facial expressions how to use inside their voice.
- The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old. Jean Kerr
- The bigger your family, the bigger your problems.
- Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself. Rita Mae Brown
- Nothing like watching your relatives fight, I always say. Rick Riordan
- Satire is a sort of glass, wherein beholders do generally discover everybody’s face but their own. Jonathan Swift
- How much better would it be if a liar’s pants really did catch on fire?
- I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter.
- Comedy has to be done en clair. You can’t blunt the edge of wit or the point of satire with obscurity. Try to imagine a famous witty saying that is not immediately clear. James Thurber
- If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that ‘Members, not Present’ and ‘Subjects Discussed’ were one and the same. Robert Brault
- My family is temperamental, half temper half mental.
- Lampoons, like squibs, may make a present blaze; but time and thunder pay respect to bays. Edmund Waller
- My life is just a series of awkward and humiliating moments separated by snacks.
- Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one. Jane Howard
- A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished. Zsa Zsa Gabor
- Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.
- I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t. Patrick Murray
- Apparently rock bottom has a basement.
- Build your own dreams, or someone else will hire you to build theirs. Farrah Gray
- It’s amazing how you can have to worst day ever, but still, laugh at yourself when you push a door that says pull.
- You can’t make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you’re doing is recording it. Art Buchwald
- If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out. Lawrence Ferlinghetti
- Life’s good, you should get one.
- Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming ‘Wow! What a Ride!’ Hunter S. Thompson
- You’d be in good shape… if you ran as much as your mouth.
- Satire is tragedy plus time. If you give it enough time, the public, and the reviewers will allow you to satirize it. Which is rather ridiculous, when you think about it. Lenny Bruce
- Come here you big, beautiful cup of coffee, and lie to me about how much we’re going to get done today.
- The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of civilization. Ralph Waldo Emerson
- Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
- Ugliness can be fixed, stupidity is forever.
- Truth is quite beyond the reach of satire. There is so brave a simplicity in her that she can no more be made ridiculous than an oak or a pine. James Russell Lowell
- I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. Mitch Hedberg
- I don’t have a welcome mat at my door because I’m not a liar.
- I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
- Life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about. Oscar Wilde
- To encourage my little kid to eat something, I’d sometimes say- Just pretend it’s sand.
- Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them. P. J. O’Rourke
- Good satire hopefully provides a thought-provoking conversation. Lizz Winstead
- Posterity is the patriotic name for grandchildren. Art Linkletter
- If you’re going to be able to look back on something and laugh about it, you might as well laugh about it now. Marie Osmond
40 Best Funny Quotes To Brighten Up Your Day
You must not think that a satiric style allows for scandalous and brutish words; the better sort abhors scurrility.
40 Funny Quotes & Sayings for a Good Laugh
Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.