40 Refreshingly Funny Quotes And Sayings

40 Refreshingly Funny Quotes And Sayings

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

  1. Satire is a lesson, parody is a game. Vladimir Nabokov

  2. Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake. W. C. Fields

  3. I haven’t even gone to bed yet and I already can’t wait to come home from work tomorrow.

  4. Mother Nature is wonderful. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers. Eugene Bertin

  5. I either have my hair and makeup done or look homeless. There is no in-between.

  6. Don’t waste a minute not being happy. If one window closes, run to the next window. Or break down a door. Brooke Shields

  7. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car. Will Rogers

  8. I always carry a knife in my purse. You know, in the case of a cheesecake or something.

  9. It is difficult not to write satire. Juvenal

  10. I’m sorry, I don’t take orders. I barely take suggestions.

  11. We get married to have an ally against our family. Jonathan Tropper

  12. It’s kind of fun to do the impossible. Walt Disney

  13. Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member does or says.

  14. In my family, crazy doesn't skip a generation.

  15. From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge. Jarod Kintz

  16. Go through life like a duck: Majestic on top, kicking like hell underneath. Anonymous

  17. Oops! Did I just roll my eyes out loud?

  18. Young people want mirrors. Older people want art. Chuck Palahniuk (Burnt Tongues)

  19. The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.    

  20. If you’re waiting for me to give a crap, you better pack a lunch. It’s going to be while.

  21. I am not young enough to know everything. Oscar Wilde.

  22. Whenever I go running, I meet new people… like paramedics.

  23. Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face.

  24. I’m not crazy! The voices tell me I am entirely sane.

  25. Underestimate me. That will be fun.

  26. I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late. Max Kauffmann

  27. Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats. Voltaire

  28. I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.  

  29. You got to be careful if you don’t know where you’re going, because you might not get there. Yogi Berra

  30. So many people worry about their physical appearance and material possessions, that they completely disregard their crappy personality.

  31. If you ran as much as your mouth did you’d be in good shape

  32. I am currently under construction. Thank you for your patience.

  33. They say marriages are made in heaven. But so is thunder and lightning. Clint Eastwood

  34. I lost your number. I lost it when I hit ‘delete.’

  35. Undoubtedly, philosophers are in the right when they tell us that nothing is great. Gulliver (Gulliver's Travels)

  36. I always say 'Morning' Instead of 'good morning' Because if it was a good morning, I would still be in bed and not talking to people.

  37. People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. A. A. Milne

  38. There’s no better vacation than my boss being on vacation.

  39. Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence. Ashleigh Brilliant

  40. Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family. Chelsea Handler