- Satire is a lesson, parody is a game. Vladimir Nabokov
- Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake. W. C. Fields
- I haven’t even gone to bed yet and I already can’t wait to come home from work tomorrow.
- Mother Nature is wonderful. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers. Eugene Bertin
- I either have my hair and makeup done or look homeless. There is no in-between.
- Don’t waste a minute not being happy. If one window closes, run to the next window. Or break down a door. Brooke Shields
- When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car. Will Rogers
- I always carry a knife in my purse. You know, in the case of a cheesecake or something.
- It is difficult not to write satire. Juvenal
- I’m sorry, I don’t take orders. I barely take suggestions.
- We get married to have an ally against our family. Jonathan Tropper
- It’s kind of fun to do the impossible. Walt Disney
- Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member does or says.
- In my family, crazy doesn't skip a generation.
- From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge. Jarod Kintz
- Go through life like a duck: Majestic on top, kicking like hell underneath. Anonymous
- Oops! Did I just roll my eyes out loud?
- Young people want mirrors. Older people want art. Chuck Palahniuk (Burnt Tongues)
- The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.
- If you’re waiting for me to give a crap, you better pack a lunch. It’s going to be while.
- I am not young enough to know everything. Oscar Wilde.
- Whenever I go running, I meet new people… like paramedics.
- Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face.
- I’m not crazy! The voices tell me I am entirely sane.
- Underestimate me. That will be fun.
- I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late. Max Kauffmann
- Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats. Voltaire
- I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
- You got to be careful if you don’t know where you’re going, because you might not get there. Yogi Berra
- So many people worry about their physical appearance and material possessions, that they completely disregard their crappy personality.
- If you ran as much as your mouth did you’d be in good shape
- I am currently under construction. Thank you for your patience.
- They say marriages are made in heaven. But so is thunder and lightning. Clint Eastwood
- I lost your number. I lost it when I hit ‘delete.’
- Undoubtedly, philosophers are in the right when they tell us that nothing is great. Gulliver (Gulliver's Travels)
- I always say 'Morning' Instead of 'good morning' Because if it was a good morning, I would still be in bed and not talking to people.
- People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. A. A. Milne
- There’s no better vacation than my boss being on vacation.
- Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence. Ashleigh Brilliant
- Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family. Chelsea Handler
40 Best Funny Quotes To Brighten Up Your Day
You must not think that a satiric style allows for scandalous and brutish words; the better sort abhors scurrility.
40 Funny Quotes & Sayings for a Good Laugh
Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.