40 Most Sarcastic Thoughts You Should Read

40 Most Sarcastic Thoughts You Should Read

Sarcasm helps me overcome the harshness of the reality we live, eases the pain of scars and makes people smile.

  1. There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage. James Holt McGavran

  2. Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children. Sam Levenson

  3. Few mistakes can be made by a mother-in-law who is willing to babysit.

  4. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it. W. C. Fields

  5. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it. Rodney Dangerfield

  6. A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. Groucho Marx

  7. If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

  8. I always tell new hires, ‘Don’t think of me as your boss, think of me as a friend who can fire you.’

  9. When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun.' Groucho Marx

  10. When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Sacha Guitry

  11. Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? Robin Williams

  12. My neighbors listen to good music whether they like it or not.

  13. I’m actually not funny, I’m just mean and people think I’m joking.

  14. For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road. We stayed with my in-laws, which on life’s list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors. Jeff Foxworthy

  15. Sarcasm helps me overcome the harshness of the reality we live, eases the pain of scars and makes people smile. Mahmoud Darwish

  16. It is hard for power to enjoy or incorporate humour and satire in its system of control. Dario Fo

  17. They say marriages are made in heaven. But so is thunder and lightning. Clint Eastwood

  18. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. Mark Twain

  19. Bleeding ulcers run in my family: We give them to each other. Lois McMaster Bujold

  20. Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.

  21. Every family has that one crazy person in it. If you're missing one I seem to have a few extras.    

  22. I’m starting to think my purpose in life is to serve as a cautionary tale to others.

  23. The road to success is always under construction. Lily Tomlin

  24. I’m sorry. I was listening until, out of nowhere, I became distracted by this loud, obnoxious noise that turned out to be your voice.

  25. In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are at least two-thirds incontinent. Robert Brault

  26. People say that laughter is the best medicine… your face must be curing the world.

  27. Having a two-year-old is like having a blender that you don’t have the top for. Jerry Seinfeld

  28. If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion. Ashleigh Brilliant

  29. I don't believe in plastic surgery but in your case, go ahead.

  30. There are only two things a child will share willingly—communicable diseases and his mother's age. Benjamin Spock

  31. Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. Charles M. Schulz

  32. Autocorrect still thinks I want to say ‘duck’ 12 times a day.

  33. People say satire is dead. It’s not dead; it’s alive and living in the White House. Robin Williams

  34. Satire is a lesson, parody is a game. Vladimir Nabokov

  35. They say good things take time... That’s why I’m always late.

  36. Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students! Robin Williams

  37. The older I get the less surprised I think I’d be if a random body part just fell off one day.

  38. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak. Steven Wright

  39. If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that 'Members not Present' and 'Subjects Discussed' were one and the same. Robert Brault

  40. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. Winston Churchill