- To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone. Reba McEntire
- Don’t confuse a smile with someone baring teeth.
- It is not our abilities that show what we truly are…it is our choices. Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
- All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.
- I like sleeping because it’s like being dead without the commitment.
- They say ignorance is bliss but I find yours rather disturbing.
- Satire is traditionally the weapon of the powerless against the powerful. Molly Ivins
- An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true. Robert Oppenheimer
- Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence. Ashleigh Brilliant
- My favorite party trick is not going.
- Satire is at once the most agreeable and most dangerous of mental qualities. It always pleases when it is refined, but we always fear those who use it too much; yet satire should be allowed when unmixed with spite, and when the person satirized can join in the satire. Francois de La Rochefoucauld
- I would like to apologize to anyone I have not offended yet. Please be patient. I will get to you shortly.
- People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House. Robin Williams
- Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar. Drew Carey
- I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it. Mary Karr
- The best revenge is massive success. Frank Sinatra
- During labor, the pain is so great that a woman can almost imagine what a man feels like when he has a fever.
- An apple a day keeps anything away if you throw it hard enough.
- Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese. Billie Burke
- Celebrate your successes. Find some humor in your failures. Sam Walton
- Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.
- The bigger your family, the bigger your problems.
- The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any. Alice Walker
- When one door closes, another opens. Or you can open the closed door. That’s how doors work.
- Some people can’t believe in themselves until someone else believes in them first. Good Will Hunting
- A mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work if it is not open. Frank Zappa
- The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy. Sam Levenson
- The informality of family life is a blessed condition that allows us all to become our best while looking our worst. Marge Kennedy
- Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway. Joey Adams
- I’ll always cherish the original misconception I had of you.
- I am not lazy. I am on energy saving mode.
- Teenagers, are you tired of being harassed by your stupid parents? Act now. Move out, get a job, and pay your own bills–while you still know everything. John Hinde
- The time you realize your kids are in bed and have been watching The Disney channel for the past hour by yourself.
- My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana. Rose (Betty White)
- There’s someone for everyone and that person for you is a psychiatrist.
- Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Dr. Seuss
- I never wanted to do political satire because it seems too surface to me. Tracey Ullman
- Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist. Michael Levine
- I’m not a hot mess. I’m a spicy disaster.
- Do one thing every day that scares you. Eleanor Roosevelt
40 Best Funny Quotes To Brighten Up Your Day
You must not think that a satiric style allows for scandalous and brutish words; the better sort abhors scurrility.
40 Funny Quotes & Sayings for a Good Laugh
Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.