40 Most Funny Quotes To Put A Smile On Your Face

40 Most Funny Quotes To Put A Smile On Your Face

If at first, you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.

  1. It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads. Andy Borowitz

  2. Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’? Jay Leno

  3. Any pizza can be a personal pizza if you have the right attitude. Mark Withers

  4. Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you’re finished. Leslie Nielsen

  5. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. Henny Youngman

  6. Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any. Samuel L. Jackson

  7. “Be yourself” is about the worst advice you can give some people. Thomas Lansing Masson

  8. Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more. James Thurber

  9. Talking about music is like dancing about architecture. Steve Martin

  10. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it. W. C. Fields

  11. Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read. Groucho Marx

  12. My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher. Socrates

  13. If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? Lily Tomlin

  14. By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. Robert Frost

  15. When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you. Nora Ephron

  16. If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. Johnny Carson

  17. I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. Michael Scott (The Office)

  18. In order to maintain a well­-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him. Peterborough Examiner, Canada

  19. Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’ Steven Wright

  20. I live about four muggings from Central Park. Henny Youngman

  21. All men are equal before fish. Herbert Hoover

  22. A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future. Dennis Waitley

  23. Don’t let schooling interfere with your education. Mark Twain

  24. I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with ’em later. Mitch Hedberg

  25. Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over. Jerry Seinfeld

  26. Here’s all you have to know about men and women: Women are crazy, and men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. George Carlin

  27. I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. Ron White

  28. A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money. W. C. Fields

  29. As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two. Sir Norman Wisdom

  30. Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch. Jon Stewart

  31. If I wasn’t a golfer, I would still be miserable – but not as miserable. Larry David

  32. The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means. Zach Galifianakis

  33. When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you’re rich. If your name is on your desk, you’re middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you’re poor. Rich Hall

  34. Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away. Benjamin Franklin

  35. I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. Steve Carell, The Office

  36. I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical. Arthur C. Clarke

  37. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. Emo Philips

  38. Never have more children than you have car windows. Erma Bombeck

  39. Instead of the mahi mahi, may I just get the one mahi because I’m not that hungry? Shelley Darlingson (The House Bunny)

  40. Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born? Benny Hill