- I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food. W.C. Fields
- It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance? Ronald Reagan
- Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve. David Letterman
- I had plastic surgery last week – I cut up my credit cards. Henny Youngman
- Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life. Kate Davis
- Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.
- Why can't you just be happy for me and then go home and talk behind my back later like a normal person? Lillian (Bridesmaids)
- Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution? H.L. Mencken
- We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. Phyllis Diller
- Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence. Erma Bombeck
- Always go to other people’s funerals; otherwise, they won’t come to yours. Yogi Berra
- Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it. E. B. White
- Eggs are fantastic for a fitness diet. If you don’t like the taste, just add cocoa, flour, sugar, butter, and baking powder and cook at 350 for 30 minutes.
- There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line. Oscar Levant
- Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease. Bill Maher
- I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
- The only time some fellows are ever seen with their wives is after they’ve been indicted. Kin Hubbard
- The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby. Natalie Wood
- Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. Mark Twain
- If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it. Stephen Colbert
- When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. Rodney Dangerfield
- Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe. Albert Einstein
- f you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. Henny Youngman
- My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. Joan Rivers
- Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television. David Letterman
- When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. Rita Rudner
- The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. Steven Wright
- A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. William James
- The only bathroom law I’m interested in is one that bans loud sighing. Conan O’Brien
- All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening. Alexander Woollcott
- Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
- Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of people's vacations was considered a punishment. Betty White
- My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine. Caroline Rhea
- Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. Mark Twain
- Haters are just confused admirers because they can’t figure out the reason why everyone loves you. Jeffree Star
- According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. This is really kind of disturbing when you consider a man’s best friend is his dog. Jay Leno
- Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough. Larry David
- Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian. Dennis Wholey
- You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago we were swept away by the Macarena. Jon Stewart
- The cat could very well be man’s best friend but would never stoop to admitting it. Doug Larson
40 Best Funny Quotes To Brighten Up Your Day
You must not think that a satiric style allows for scandalous and brutish words; the better sort abhors scurrility.
40 Funny Quotes & Sayings for a Good Laugh
Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.