40 Most Funniest Quotes for a Good Laugh

40 Most Funniest Quotes for a Good Laugh

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.

  1. I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food. W.C. Fields

  2. It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance? Ronald Reagan

  3. Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve. David Letterman

  4. I had plastic surgery last week – I cut up my credit cards. Henny Youngman

  5. Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life. Kate Davis

  6. Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.

  7. Why can't you just be happy for me and then go home and talk behind my back later like a normal person? Lillian (Bridesmaids)

  8. Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution? H.L. Mencken

  9. We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. Phyllis Diller

  10. Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence. Erma Bombeck

  11. Always go to other people’s funerals; otherwise, they won’t come to yours. Yogi Berra

  12. Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it. E. B. White

  13. Eggs are fantastic for a fitness diet. If you don’t like the taste, just add cocoa, flour, sugar, butter, and baking powder and cook at 350 for 30 minutes.

  14. There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line. Oscar Levant

  15. Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease. Bill Maher

  16. I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

  17. The only time some fellows are ever seen with their wives is after they’ve been indicted. Kin Hubbard

  18. The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby. Natalie Wood

  19. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. Mark Twain

  20. If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it. Stephen Colbert

  21. When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. Rodney Dangerfield

  22. Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe. Albert Einstein

  23. f you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. Henny Youngman

  24. My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. Joan Rivers

  25. Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television. David Letterman

  26. When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. Rita Rudner

  27. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. Steven Wright

  28. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. William James

  29. The only bathroom law I’m interested in is one that bans loud sighing. Conan O’Brien

  30. All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening. Alexander Woollcott

  31. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

  32. Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of people's vacations was considered a punishment. Betty White

  33. My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine. Caroline Rhea

  34. Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. Mark Twain

  35. Haters are just confused admirers because they can’t figure out the reason why everyone loves you. Jeffree Star

  36. According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. This is really kind of disturbing when you consider a man’s best friend is his dog. Jay Leno

  37. Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough. Larry David

  38. Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian. Dennis Wholey

  39. You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago we were swept away by the Macarena. Jon Stewart

  40. The cat could very well be man’s best friend but would never stoop to admitting it. Doug Larson