- Children are a great comfort in your old age and they help you reach it faster, too. Lionel Kauffman
- Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper. Friedrich Nietzsche
- When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give sarcastic remarks.
- You’re giving me the silent treatment? Finally.
- If it looks like I give a damn, please tell me. I don’t want to give off the wrong impression.
- Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first. Steve Irwin
- Thinking is difficult, that's why most people judge. Albert Einstein
- If you are always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be. Maya Angelou
- Good humor is one of the best articles of dress one can wear in society. William Thackeray
- Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself. George Bernard Shaw
- Sarcasm–the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.
- In the present state of the world, it is difficult not to write lampoons. Juvenal
- Nothing in the world is ever completely wrong. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day. Paulo Coehlo
- It is a curious thought, but it is only when you see people looking ridiculous that you realize just how much you love them. Agatha Christie
- If at first, you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it. W. C. Fields
- Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could. Charles J. Sykes
- I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. Maya Angelou
- Your fervent, misguided sense of entitlement is stunning.
- What we need is a rebirth of satire, dissent, irreverence, of an uncompromising insistence that phoniness is phony and platitudes are platitudinous. Arthur M. Schlesinger, Jr.
- I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. Erma Bombeck
- You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going because you might not get there. Yogi Berra
- Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us. Stephen Colbert
- Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. Groucho Marx
- I clapped because it was finished, not because I liked it.
- I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. Sir Winston Churchill
- Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them. Walter Kerr
- All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them. Erma Bombeck
- Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything.
- Satire, like conscience, reminds us of what we often wish to forget. Marguerite Gardiner
- Sometimes I have my headphones in at work with nothing playing so I don’t have to interact with chatty co-workers.
- A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. Phyllis Diller
- In general, my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't been danced on television. Erma Bombeck
- You never realize how truly sarcastic you are until you have a mini-me who acts the same way.
- I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying. Woody Allen
- When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. Lao Tzu
- Unless a love of virtue light the flame, Satire is, more than those he brands, to blame; He hides behind a magisterial air He own offences, and strips others’ bare. William Cowper , Satire quotes on love
- I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?
- Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. Oscar Wilde
- Marriage. Because your crappy day doesn’t have to end at work.
- Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye. Jim Henson
40 Funny Sayings and Hilarious Quotes for Today
All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
