40 Funny Sayings and Hilarious Quotes for Today

40 Funny Sayings and Hilarious Quotes for Today

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

  1. Children are a great comfort in your old age and they help you reach it faster, too. Lionel Kauffman

  2. Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper. Friedrich Nietzsche

  3. When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give sarcastic remarks.

  4. You’re giving me the silent treatment? Finally.

  5. If it looks like I give a damn, please tell me. I don’t want to give off the wrong impression.

  6. Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first. Steve Irwin

  7. Thinking is difficult, that's why most people judge. Albert Einstein

  8. If you are always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be. Maya Angelou

  9. Good humor is one of the best articles of dress one can wear in society. William Thackeray

  10. Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself. George Bernard Shaw

  11. Sarcasm–the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.

  12. In the present state of the world, it is difficult not to write lampoons. Juvenal

  13. Nothing in the world is ever completely wrong. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day. Paulo Coehlo

  14. It is a curious thought, but it is only when you see people looking ridiculous that you realize just how much you love them. Agatha Christie

  15. If at first, you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it. W. C. Fields

  16. Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could. Charles J. Sykes

  17. I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. Maya Angelou

  18. Your fervent, misguided sense of entitlement is stunning.

  19. What we need is a rebirth of satire, dissent, irreverence, of an uncompromising insistence that phoniness is phony and platitudes are platitudinous. Arthur M. Schlesinger, Jr.

  20. I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. Erma Bombeck

  21. You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going because you might not get there. Yogi Berra

  22. Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us. Stephen Colbert

  23. Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. Groucho Marx

  24. I clapped because it was finished, not because I liked it.

  25. I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. Sir Winston Churchill

  26. Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them. Walter Kerr

  27. All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them. Erma Bombeck

  28. Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything.

  29. Satire, like conscience, reminds us of what we often wish to forget. Marguerite Gardiner

  30. Sometimes I have my headphones in at work with nothing playing so I don’t have to interact with chatty co-workers.

  31. A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. Phyllis Diller

  32. In general, my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't been danced on television. Erma Bombeck

  33. You never realize how truly sarcastic you are until you have a mini-me who acts the same way.

  34. I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying. Woody Allen

  35. When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. Lao Tzu

  36. Unless a love of virtue light the flame, Satire is, more than those he brands, to blame; He hides behind a magisterial air He own offences, and strips others’ bare. William Cowper , Satire quotes on love

  37. I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?

  38. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. Oscar Wilde

  39. Marriage. Because your crappy day doesn’t have to end at work.

  40. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye. Jim Henson