40 Funny Quotes & Sayings for a Good Laugh

40 Funny Quotes & Sayings for a Good Laugh

Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.

  1. We all know someone who speaks fluent crap.

  2. People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. A.A. Milne

  3. Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern… like bad wallpaper. Friedrich Nietzsche

  4. Sometimes you wake up. Sometimes the fall kills you. And sometimes, when you fall, you fly. Neil Gaiman

  5. Mother Nature is wonderful. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers. Eugene Bertin.

  6. Why would someone who has an average life expectancy of 75 years, get married when he is 29?

  7. You're not good enough. You're not complete enough. Charles Spencer Chaplin

  8. Always forgive your enemies — nothing annoys them so much. Oscar Wilde

  9. Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes! Billy Connolly

  10. When something goes wrong in your life, just yell 'Plot Twist' and move on.

  11. What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ‘k’ instead of ‘ok’?

  12. I cry all the time when I watch ‘Glee’ because I don’t know if it’s satire or melodrama and that makes me feel like the writing is aware of itself, and that makes it OK to cry. David Sedaris

  13. If you wrote down every single thought you ever had you would get an award for the shortest story ever.

  14. Sometimes I wish I were a nicer person, but then I laugh and continue my day.

  15. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. Alan Dundes

  16. Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing ANYTHING away EVER. I snuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican drug lord.

  17. Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla. Jim Bishop

  18. Hollywood is horrible… it’s beyond satire. Yahoo Serious

  19. Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.

  20. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it. Rodney Dangerfield

  21. Life is short; death is forever. Chuck Palahniuk

  22. I have never developed indigestion from eating my words. Winston Churchill

  23. Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist. Michael Levine

  24. I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. Erma Bombeck

  25. My family would make Dr. Phil need a therapist.

  26. Love is being stupid together. Paul Valery

  27. Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them. William Shakespeare

  28. Nothing will work unless you do. Maya Angelou

  29. Satire is a wrapping of exaggeration around a core of reality. Barbara W. Tuchman

  30. Satire is moral outrage transformed into comic art. Philip Roth

  31. I don’t go crazy. I am crazy. And I go normal from time to time.

  32. Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.

  33. Relatives are the worst friends, said the fox as the dogs took after him.

  34. When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. Franklin Roosevelt

  35. Be happy. It drives people crazy.

  36. If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty. Jeff Foxworthy

  37. I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.

  38. Sorry for being late. I got caught up enjoying my last few minutes of not being here.