- We all know someone who speaks fluent crap.
- People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. A.A. Milne
- Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern… like bad wallpaper. Friedrich Nietzsche
- Sometimes you wake up. Sometimes the fall kills you. And sometimes, when you fall, you fly. Neil Gaiman
- Mother Nature is wonderful. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers. Eugene Bertin.
- Why would someone who has an average life expectancy of 75 years, get married when he is 29?
- You're not good enough. You're not complete enough. Charles Spencer Chaplin
- Always forgive your enemies — nothing annoys them so much. Oscar Wilde
- Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes! Billy Connolly
- When something goes wrong in your life, just yell 'Plot Twist' and move on.
- What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ‘k’ instead of ‘ok’?
- I cry all the time when I watch ‘Glee’ because I don’t know if it’s satire or melodrama and that makes me feel like the writing is aware of itself, and that makes it OK to cry. David Sedaris
- If you wrote down every single thought you ever had you would get an award for the shortest story ever.
- Sometimes I wish I were a nicer person, but then I laugh and continue my day.
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. Alan Dundes
- Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing ANYTHING away EVER. I snuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican drug lord.
- Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla. Jim Bishop
- Hollywood is horrible… it’s beyond satire. Yahoo Serious
- Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.
- Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it. Rodney Dangerfield
- Life is short; death is forever. Chuck Palahniuk
- I have never developed indigestion from eating my words. Winston Churchill
- Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist. Michael Levine
- I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. Erma Bombeck
- My family would make Dr. Phil need a therapist.
- Love is being stupid together. Paul Valery
- Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them. William Shakespeare
- Nothing will work unless you do. Maya Angelou
- Satire is a wrapping of exaggeration around a core of reality. Barbara W. Tuchman
- Satire is moral outrage transformed into comic art. Philip Roth
- I don’t go crazy. I am crazy. And I go normal from time to time.
- Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.
- Relatives are the worst friends, said the fox as the dogs took after him.
- When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. Franklin Roosevelt
- Be happy. It drives people crazy.
- If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty. Jeff Foxworthy
- I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.
- Sorry for being late. I got caught up enjoying my last few minutes of not being here.
40 Funny Quotes & Sayings for a Good Laugh
Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.
