- The great gift of family life is to be intimately acquainted with people you might never even introduce yourself to, had life not done it for you. Kendall Hailey
- Satire is what closes Saturday night. Juvenal
- Please be patient, I am ruining things as fast as I can.
- I talk to God but the sky is empty. Sylvia Plath
- What’s a queen without her king? Well, historically speaking, more powerful.
- Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble. Martin Mull
- Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody. Mark Twain
- People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. A. A. Milne
- Life is like a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving. Albert Einstein
- The world will not be destroyed by those who do evil, but by those who watch and do nothing. Albert Einstein
- I went to the general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific. Steven Wright
- I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today.
- You can tell what was the best year of your father's life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out. Jerry Seinfeld
- If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance. George Bernard Shaw
- All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone. Blaise Pascal
- Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well. Mark Twain
- I don’t fall asleep. I over think myself into a coma.
- As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. Buddy Hackett
- I’m sorry while you were talking I was trying to figure where the hell you got the idea I cared.
- You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club. Jack London
- I don’t always tolerate stupid people. But when I do, I’m probably at work.
- I had no blood relatives till I made some. Andy Dick
- I don't have to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad. Howard Beale (Network)
- My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more. Walter Matthau
- When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them. Emo Phillips
- If had a dollar for every smart thing you say. I’ll be poor.
- My family is temperamental, half temper half mental.
- Satire must not be a kind of superfluous ill will, but ill will from a higher point of view. Ridiculous man, divine God. Or else, hatred against the bogged-down vileness of average man as against the possible heights that humanity might attain. Paul Klee
- A little wit and a great deal of ill-nature will furnish a man for satire; but the greatest instance of wit is to commend well. John Tillotson
- Every man desires to live long, but no man wishes to be old. Jonathan Swift (Gulliver's Travels)
- Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.
- You can’t have everything. Where would you put it? Steven Wright
- My imaginary friend says that you need a therapist.
- It's not the altitude, it's the attitude. Scott Fischer (Everest)
- I have a theory of relatives, too. Don't hire them. Jack L Warner
- Do you think God gets stoned? I think so… look at the platypus. Robin Williams
- Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there. Will Rogers
- If life gives you lemons, then be thankful for it. I have been getting only the peels for as long as I can remember!
- Just keep talking, I yawn when I’m interested.
- Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.
40 Funny Positive Thinking Quotes To Make You Laugh
Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well. Mark Twain
