40 Funniest Quotes for Today

40 Funniest Quotes for Today

Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face.

  1. Humor is just another defense against the universe. Mel Brooks

  2. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. George Burns

  3. Verse satire indeed is entirely our own. Quintilian

  4. Knowing your family so well that you can make out who's coming by the sound of their footsteps.

  5. We are all interested in the future cause that is where we will be spending the rest of our lives. Criswell

  6. The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life's essential unfairness.

  7. We still lend our old house out to our relatives. They keep a guest book for my fans to sign.

  8. Someday, you’ll go far. I hope you stay there.

  9. Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid. John Wayne

  10. Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.

  11. Some are born mad, some achieve madness, and some have madness thrust upon 'em. Emilie Autumn

  12. Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.

  13. If you want to call a family meeting - turn off the WiFi and sit in the room where it is located.

  14. I’m not always rude and sarcastic. Sometimes I’m asleep.

  15. Never judge someone by their relatives. Charles Martin

  16. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. Henny Youngman

  17. What doesn’t kill you gives you a set of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a dark sense of humor.

  18. Why do we spend so much time looking for intelligent life on other planets? I’d be happy to find intelligent life here on Earth first.

  19. I try and write satire that's well-intentioned. But those intentions have to be hidden. Bo Burnham

  20. I love all genres. The only thing I get stymied by is the Family Drama. I don't necessarily know how to approach that. Joss Whedon

  21. My level of sarcasm has gotten to a point where I don't even know if I am kidding anymore.

  22. I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.

  23. I like the George Romero films, which were really great, social satire movies; really twisted. John Cusack

  24. I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying. Oscar Wilde

  25. Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face.

  26. A person with a sharp tongue will eventually cut themselves. J. Robson Koenig

  27. Borrow trouble for yourself, if that's your nature, but don't lend it to your neighbors. Rudyard Kipling

  28. You’re everything I want in someone I don’t want anymore.

  29. Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. William James

  30. Fun fact: Alcohol increases the size of the ‘send’ button by 89%.

  31. There’s no reason to tailgate me when I’m doing 50 in a 35. And those flashing lights on top of your car look ridiculous.

  32. Either you get it or you don't. Michael Moore

  33. People kept saying ‘Go Corona Go’ and it went to other countries to spread across the globe. Invajy

  34. To maintain a joyful family requires each member of the family has to become, in a special way, the servant of the others. Pope John Paul II

  35. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

  36. I don’t know how people can fake whole relationships. I can’t even fake a hello to somebody I don’t like.

  37. We are all born crazy. Some of us remain that way. Samuel Beckett

  38. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. Billy Sunday

  39. A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold. Ogden Nash

  40. Satire that is seasonable and just is often more effectual than law or gospel. Josh Billings