- Like good wine, marriage gets better with age – once you learn to keep a cork in it. Gene Perret
- As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. Buddy Hackett
- A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future. Denis Waitley
- Satire is a composition of salt and mercury; and it depends upon the different mixture and preparation of those ingredients, that it comes out a noble medicine or a rank poison. Francis Jeffrey, Lord Jeffrey
- Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. P. J. O’Rourke
- People are like music. Some speak the truth, and others are just noise. Bill Murray
- Fools are my theme, let satire be my song. Lord Byron
- When television producers say it is the parents' obligation to keep children away from the tube, they reach the self-satire point of warning that their own product is unsuitable for consumption Gregg Easterbrook
- Sorry… to have met you.
- There are only two things a child will share willingly — communicable diseases and his mother’s age. Benjamin Spock
- The web of our life is of a mingled yarn, good and ill together. William Shakespeare
- I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast? Jeff Lindsay
- I went to the general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific. Steven Wright
- Yeah, I’m a pacifist. I’m about to pass a fist across your face.
- A sitcom isn't usually the right tool for satire. Chris Morris
- I can resist everything except temptation. Oscar Wilde
- I wish more people were fluent in silence.
- My boss told me to have a good day so I went home.
- For Halloween, I’m going to be emotionally stable. No one is going to know it’s me.
- Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell. Joan Crawford
- Never underestimate a child's ability to get into more trouble. Martin Mull
- If you are the smartest person in the room, then you are in the wrong room. Confucius
- People say laughter is the best medicine. Your face must be curing the world.
- These days, most of the people you hear laughing are dead. Chuck Palahniuk
- My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues.
- Don’t be so humble — you are not that great. Golda Meir
- There is a place in this world for satire, but there is a time when satire ends and intolerance and bigotry toward religious beliefs… begin. Isaac Hayes
- If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance. George Bernard Shaw
- If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito. The Dalai Lama
- Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
- The day my mother told me zombies eat brains, I knew I was living with one.
- Nobody really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy. Cynthia Nelms
- Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us. Stephen Colbert
- A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself and hates them for it. George Bernard Shaw
- Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save. Will Rogers
- My only advice is to stay aware, listen carefully, and yell for help if you need it. Judy Blume
- I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
- Jiu-Jitsu because choking people is illegal.
- When satire flies abroad on falsehood’s wing, Short is her life, and impotent her sting; But when to Truth allied, the wound she gives Sinks deep, and to remotest ages lives. Charles Churchill, Satire quotes in life
- An apple a day keeps anything away if you throw it hard enough.
40 Funniest Quotes for Today
Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face.
40 Funny Positive Thinking Quotes To Make You Laugh
Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well. Mark Twain