- It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.
- You know what I like about people? Their dogs.
- People think I go out of my way to piss them off. Trust me, it’s not out of my way at all.
- By rights, satire is a lonely and introspective occupation, for nobody can describe a fool to the life without much patient self-inspection. Frank Moore Colby
- It’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
- When one door closes, another opens. Or you can open the closed door. That’s how doors work.
- My friends are so much cooler than yours. They’re invisible.
- Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts. Wayne H
- A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. Winston Churchill
- Life is full of disappointments and I just added you to the list.
- We are all born crazy. Some of us remain that way. Samuel Beckett
- I sometimes think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability. Oscar Wilde
- Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. George Burns
- My attitude in exams. They give me questions I don’t know. I give them answers they don’t know.
- Zombies eat brains. You’re safe. John Stewart
- Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken. Oscar Wilde
- There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it. Mindy Kaling
- Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke. Will Rogers
- How many times do I have to teach you: just because something works doesn’t mean it can’t be improved? Black Panther
- Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first. Steve Irwin
- The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so. Gore Vidal
- We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing. George Bernard Shaw
- It’s ok if you disagree with me. I can’t force you to be right.
- Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back. Oscar Wilde
- The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy. Sam Levenson
- The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate. Oprah Winfrey
- It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything.
- You’re not that lucky and I’m not that desperate!
- Repeating quotes from funny movies doesn’t make you funny.
- Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans. John Lennon
- I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. Groucho Marx
- I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. Mitch Hedberg
- That’s why they call it the American Dream because you have to be asleep to believe it. George Carlin
- Satire is a kind of poetry in which human vices are reprehended. John Dryden
- Be the reason someone smiles today… Or the reason someone drinks. Whatever works.
- For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road. We stayed with my in-laws, which on life's list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors. Jeff Foxworthy
- You play the victim. I’ll play the disinterested bystander.
- I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying. Oscar Wilde
- This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time. Chuck Palahniuk (Fight Club)
- Thanks for calling me to tell me that you just sent me an email.
40 Best Funny Quotes To Brighten Up Your Day
You must not think that a satiric style allows for scandalous and brutish words; the better sort abhors scurrility.
40 Funny Quotes & Sayings for a Good Laugh
Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.