- Live in such a way that you wouldn’t be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip. Will Rogers
- Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.
- Back in my day, people used to take photos with other people in them.
- Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving. Albert Einstein
- Sure I’ll help you out… the same way you came in.
- Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops. Cary Grant
- It's a great time to be doing political satire when the world is on a knife-edge. John Oliver
- Don’t you hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious?
- Sorry for the mean, awful, and accurate things I said.
- Too much of a good thing can be wonderful. Mae West
- This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time.
- You cannot fix yourself by breaking someone else. Albert Einstein
- We have no ideas, and they're pretty firm. Joseph Heller
- Satire lies about literary men while they live and eulogy lies about them when they die. Voltaire
- I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on. Ugo Betti
- What do you call a thousand lawyers buried up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand. Mike (Poolhall Junkies)
- You must not think that a satiric style allows for scandalous and brutish words; the better sort abhors scurrility. Wentworth Dillon, 4th Earl of Roscommon
- Do you know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the South? Nothing! Someone’s losing a trailer, number one. Robin Williams
- Instead of ‘have a nice day,’ I think I’ll start saying, ‘have the day you deserve.’ You know, let karma sort things out.
- Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery. Erma Bombeck
- Satire is what closes on Saturday night. George S. Kaufman
- Cancel my subscription because I don’t need your issues.
- When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them. George Bernard Shaw
- I am in full possession of the amazing power of being sarcastic. Sarah Rees Brennan
- When you have insomnia, you're never really asleep, and you're never really awake.
- Political satire became obsolete when they awarded Henry Kissinger the Nobel Peace Prize. Tom Lehrer
- There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. Will Rogers
- Satire is traditionally the weapon of the powerless against the powerful. Molly Ivins
- It’s amazing how clean my house can get when I’m pissed off.
- Not a single one of my multiple personalities like you.
- My circle is so small, I almost cut myself off.
- Satire is traditionally the weapon of the powerless against the powerful. I only aim at the powerful. When satire is aimed at the powerless, it is not only cruel — it’s vulgar. Molly Ivins
- If they act like they can live without you… Help them do it.
- Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.
- I hate it when I think I’m buying organic vegetables but when I get home, I discover they’re just regular donuts.
- Having a child makes you a parent; having two, you are a referee. David Frost
- I love being me. It pisses off all the right people.
- I always say ‘Morning’ Instead of ‘good morning‘ Because if it was a good morning, I would still be in bed and not talking to people.
- Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts. Wayne H
- The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. Bill Watterson
40 Best Funny Quotes To Brighten Up Your Day
You must not think that a satiric style allows for scandalous and brutish words; the better sort abhors scurrility.
